Kells: Yeah, he woke up an hour ago. He's been going through our stack of newspapers, reading the headlines.
Joe: Foley, Foley, Foley, Foley, Foley, Foley, Foley, Kerry, Kerry, Foley, Foley, Foley, Foley ... Ouch! The Republicans got hammered in that election.
Birhtwold: Ya think?
Kells: Here, skip a bit...
Joe: Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin ... I don't know who he is, but they sure don't like him.
Kells: Her.
Joe: Her? There's a woman in the race and it's not Hillary? Amazing! Let's see, where'd I leave off at? Ah! Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Obama Wins Debate, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Biden Wins Debate, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin,Obama Wins Debate, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, Palin, and that's me up to date. So, who really won the debates?
Birhtwold: Palin beat Biden; the others were a draw.
Joe: Palin beat Biden? Crazy. What's the Dem prez candidate debating the Republican vp candidate for anyway?
Birhtwold: Um, Biden is the Dem vp candidate.
Joe: What?!
Kells: Yeah, Obama is the Dem prez candidate.
Joe: Owho?
Birhtwold: Heh, exactly.
Joe: Well, how'd he get there? What's his claim to fame?
Kells: 2004 Dem convention speech.
Birhtwold: Yeah, apparently while Kerry was reporting for duty, Dems were tagging Obama as the next President.
Joe: Seriously?
Kells: Afraid so.
Joe: So, what are you guys doing? Holding your nose and voting for McCain?
Birhtwold: He!! no! I'm voting for Barr or Baldwin. I'd prefer Baldwin, but Barr will do if Baldwin's not on the ticket.
Joe: But isn't a vote for Barr a vote for Obama?
Birhtwold: Scurrilous lie! A vote for Barr is a vote for Barr. Obama could just as easily claim that a vote for Barr is a vote for McCain.
Kells: No he couldn't.
Birhtwold: Sounds crazy, right? Same thing as saying a vote for Barr is a vote for Obama.
Kells: No it's not. Look: If a lefty finds Obama to be too left for some reason, he'll vote for McCain, who's to the left of Barr, but to the right of Obama. If for some strange reason Obama wasn't far enough left for someone, they would have to go third part, but it wouldn't be for Barr. It'd be for Calero, Moore, LaRiva, Nader, or McKinney. On the other hand, if a conservative found McCain too far to the right (as much an impossibility as there can be), he'd vote for Obama. If he finds McCain too far to the left, he'd vote for Barr or Baldwin. So, as you can see, Obama won't lose votes to Barr. He'd lose them to Nader et al. You're safer sticking with a vote for Barr is a vote for Barr, which is factually true.
Birhtwold: Yeah, well...
Joe: So, Kells, who are you voting for? McCain?
Kells: No, I'm voting for Palin.
Birhtwold: Now a vote for Palin IS a vote for McCain.
Kells: No, a vote for Palin is a vote for Palin.
Joe: Who's on first?
Birhtwold: As you might have noticed, she's not at the top of the ticket. If they somehow win the election, she'll disappear to VP Land, never to be heard from until the next election.
Kells: Eh, I don't think so. Look, everyone keeps saying that VP's don't win elections. And that has been true until now. I mean, McCain still has to seal the deal, but without Palin, he's not even in the race. Name another election where that's been the case. Name another Prez candidate in history that has to have his VP travel with him to get a crowd. It's like a cartoon: McCain pulls Palin from out behind a curtain, a crowd appears and goes wild. He sticks her back behind the curtain, crickets chirp. He'll find it hard to shuttle her off to VP Land.
Birhtwold: I'm just going by historical precedent.
Kells: Well, sure, "those who cannot remember the past, are condemned to repeat it," but those that are slaves to the past will miss any new precedent setting event. There is a balance that must be struck.
Birhtwold: Well, it seems to me that you won't know what a precedent setting event is until it's already happened, at which point it is in the past.
Kells: That's a point of view, sure.
Birhtwold: Aye, we'll just have to disagree on this.
Kells: That's the cool thing. I can respect the rinos that vote for McCain, as he's their man; I can respect the conservatives that hold their nose and vote for McCain out of hope for decent Supreme Court picks and out of hope that the Dems won't control both congress and the White House; I can respect the conservatives that vote for Palin in hopes of seeing her gain enough experience to put a run at the White House together in the future; I can respect the conservatives that will vote for Barr or Baldwin out of principle (though it seems to me that the others vote out of principle as well, just different principles); I can respect leftists who will vote for Obama, as he's their man; but what I cannot respect are those that call themselves conservatives/moderates/independents and will vote for Obama. Indeed, anyone who labels themselves as such and votes for Obama is a poser.
Birhtwold: Well, on that we can agree on.
Kells: So, Joe, what about you?
Joe: Oh, I'll probably vote for McCain.
Kells (laughs): Say it ain't so, Joe!
Joe: Well, he sounds like he most represents me out of the bunch, but I have some catching up to do before I decide.
Birhtwold: Fair enough.
Joe: Where's Skald, by the way?
Kells (laughs): Watching Links. We take shifts.
Birhtwold: It's become nigh unbearable.
The three make their way to Links' room.
Joe: Why's he all dressed in green with an O'Bama shirt on?
Kells: New Obama campaign tactic to pick up more white voters.
Joe: Ah.
Birhtwold: Watch this: Palin!
Links: Witch hunter! Witch hunter!
Kells: She'll be next in line for President!
Links (foams at the mouth, spittle flying): Back in the kitchen where you belong! BACK IN THE KITCHEN!
Joe: Wow, talk about unhinged.
Kells: It's been like this for a while now. But now we can add you to the schedule.
Joe: Great. Looking forward to it.
Skald: These are the times that try men's souls.
Birhtwold: Amen!
The doorbell rings and Birhtwold, Joe, and Kells go to answer the door. They open the door and Hassan is standing there, wearing a Che-style Obama shirt with the word "hope" at the bottom.
Joe: Hey, Hassan, what's up?
Hassan: Collecting funds for the Obama campaign. Care to help us change the world and make a donation?
Kells: I think we'll pass on that today. Good seeing you though. How's...
Links rushes in, slides under Joe, Kells, and Birhtwold, and thrusts an envelope into Hassan's waiting hands.
Hassan: Thank you! May Obama shine upon you!
Kells (trying to look at the envelope): Is that a postmark from Iran?
Hassan: Sorry, have to go. Thirty-four more houses to go to. Salaam.
The door closes and everyone makes their way back to the kitchen, voices fading as they go.
Joe: I don't know if this can get any stranger.
Birhtwold: Skald, get the lefty leprechaun back to his room.
Kells: Can't we just skip to the 2012 election?
Birhtwold: Heh, my turn to do the Rip Van Winkle. Wake me up in four.