Thought this article by Mark Goldblatt was funny.  Check it out:

http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=ZThiZTk0Y2Y5NzhjMDUyMjJiM2EwOTA5NTE0YzBlNTE=

 (The lads kick back and listen, fresh pints o' beer in hand)

Rabbie: "Scots wha hae wi’ Wallace bled, Scots wham Bruce has aften led, Welcome to your gory bed, Or to victorie.

Tam: I wonder how auld Wallace’s doin’.

Gavin: I dinna ken. I hadna gotten a post fram Iraq for a while noo.

Rabbie: "Now’s the day, and now’s the hour; See the front o’ battle lour! See approach proud [Islam’s] power - Chains and slaverie!

Tam: Poor bugger. Shadna ever enlisted.

Gavin: For shame, man! We sit here drinkin’ pints o McEwans while he stands in the gap for us!

Tam: Whit do ye mean?

Gavin: I mean Islam swells like a wave wi’ only men liken tae Wallace standin’ ‘twixt them and we.

Rabbie: "Wha will be a traitor knave? Wha can fill a coward’s grave? Wha sae base as be a slave? Let him turn and flee!

Tam: They dinna make men lak Wallace anymar. ‘Tis a shame, since he’s the type we need noo a’days.

Gavin: Aye.

Rabbie: "Wha for Scotland’s King and law Freedom’s sword will strongly draw, Freeman stand, or freeman fa’? Let him follow me!

Tam: De ye think we’ll e’er see the likes o Wallace and the Bruce again?

Gavin: I dinna ken. Freedom’s at the heart o each Scot, but it’s lain dormant this many a year. Wha’s tae say?

Rabbie: "By oppression’s woes and pains! By your sons in servile chains! We will drain our dearest veins, But they shall be free!

(Another man walks through the door)

Gavin: Stuart!

Stuart: See you, Jimmy!

Joe: What?

Kells: It’s a weegie thing.

Joe: A what?

Kells: Weegie. A resident of Glasgow. They call everyone Jimmy.

Joe: Ok . . .

Rabbie: "Lay the proud usurpers low! Tyrants fall in every foe! Liberty’s in every blow! Let us do or die!

Stuart: Have ye heard fram auld Wallace?

Tam: No, we were just talking aboot ‘im.

Stuart: Well, I’ve a package for ‘im. What’s the best way tae get it tae ‘im?

Kells: We’re heading over there in a few days. Maybe we cad do it.

Stuart: Aye, that’d be right naice o ye, big man.

Joe: What?

Stuart: Dinna worry aboot it, wee man.

Joe: Wee man?

Gavin: Well, that’s me away.

Kells: We’ll walk out with you. Stuart, we’ll get that package from you tomorrow.

Stuart: Aye. Cheers for noo.

Rabbie: Oh, ye’ll tak the high road, and I’ll tak the low road, And I’ll be in Scotland afore ye; But me and my true love will never meet again On the bonnie, bonnie banks o’ Loch Lomond.

(The lads make their way through the crowd and the snooker tables and exit out the door)

To be continued

Notes: Excepting the Loch Lomond quote at the end, Rabbie’s parts make up the whole of Robert Burns’ "Scots Wha Hae," Robert Bruce’s address to his army before the Battle of Bannockburn. I substituted "Islam" for "Edward."

 

(The lads walk down a street in Inverness, Scotland)

Kells: I’m glad that nightmare is over.

Joe: Nothing like turning a 10 hour flight into a 17 hour one.

Birhtwold: Where is everybody? Place is pretty empty.

Joe: Well, it is 9:00.

Birhtwold: I keep forgetting. It’s so light out.

Kells: Let’s duck in here and grab a beer.

Joe: I’m all for that.

(The lads enter a pub)

Birhtwold: Whoa! It’s packed in here!

Joe: There’s four seats over there next to those guys.

Kells: Mind if we sit here?

Gavin: It’s nae our business whar ye sit.

Joe: What’d he say?

Kells: He says we can sit here.

Tam: Are ye for a drink?

Joe: What’d he say?

Kells: Do you want something to drink?

(The lads nod their assent)

Tam: Oy! Ned! Four pints o McEwans.

(Beer in hand, the lads settle down and listen to the conversation, Kells translating)

Tam: I hear the cease fire’s been shot doon.

Angus: Oath breakers! Oath breakers!

Tam: Ah, shut yer mooth gin ye ken whit’s guid for ye.

Gavin: Noo, they didna break it. The Hezzies wad hae their wee selves reairmed and Izzies haeing nane o it.

Tam: As shad be gin it be the truth.

Gavin: They shadna agreed tae ‘t in the first place. Hezzies gaun tae be ready for round twa.

Tam: They only hae their ane selves tae blame. Shadna ever gaun in tae Lebbie.

Gavin: Are ye daft in the head, man? Was the Bruce tae blame for Edward’s deeds? Was Scootland tae blame for Aingland’s sins?

Tam: Hold yer blather. Thars nae need tae get personal.

Gavin: There shadna be gin ye had any sense. Rabbie, gie us a tune.

Rabbie:

And it's oh! but I'm longin' for my ain folk,
Tho' they be but lowly, puir and plain folk:
I am far beyond the sea, but my heart will ever be,
At home in dear auld Scotland, wi' my ain folk.

Joe (whispering as he looks at the four Scots): Eerie, ain’t it?

Kells: Aye.

Tam (as everyone joins in): Ned! Another round o pints!

(To be continued . . .)

 

 

(The gang heads through Miami International Airport)

Birhtwold: Man, we’re late. I told you we should have left earlier.

Joe: Yeah, but getting here three hours early is beat.

Birhtwold: It might be your head that’s beat if they don’t let us on.

Kells: For some strange reason, I miss Links.

Birhtwold: It'll pass.

Joe: Good thing, Jarl's willing to watch him.

Kells: Where’s the gate?

Joe: On the far side of the world.

Kells: Nice!

Birhtwold: We’ll see the line before we see the gate.

Joe: Dude I need some coffee. There’s a Starbucks.

Birhtwold: We don’t have time for -

Joe: Caffeine. I’ll walk faster.

Birhtwold (grudgingly): Alright, make it fast!

Joe (coffee in hand): That’s better.

Kells: Now I wish I had one.

Birhtwold: Less talking, more walking.

Joe: You worry too much, there’s no way that line . . .

(The crew stands agape at the line that stretches as far as they can see)

Birhtwold: You were saying?

Joe: Man we’re two and half hours early and that looks like a four-hour line.

Kells: Yeah, the part of it you see.

Joe: This is the worst. They’re infringing on my rights!

Birhtwold: What, your right to not stand in line?

Joe: Yeah. Fascists.

Skald: "Know your rights. All three of them."

(After four hours of grumbling)

Joe: Dude, I need another coffee.

Kells: What are you going to do? Run all the way there and back? We’re almost to the end of the line.

Joe: I could drive home and back before we get to the end.

Birhtwold (as Joe takes off): I wouldn’t . . .

(Joe comes back, coffee in hand, just as the gang gets to the gate)

Joe: Perfect timing!

Airport security: Sir, you’ll have to dump that coffee.

Joe: What? I just paid five bucks for this!

Airport security (smiling): You could finish it and catch the next flight.

Joe (as he tosses the coffee into a trash can): This blows!

Birhtwold: Would this be a good time to say I -

Joe: I know, I know. You told me so.

Skald: "Something went wrong along the way. Everybody's waiting for judgement day . . ."

Airport security: Go through your carry-ons and dump anything that’s liquid. You can check it or chuck it.

Joe (after chucking toothpaste, hair gel, shampoo): There you go. Are the security nazi gods appeased by my sacrifice?

Airport security: That goes, too.

Kells: I’ll take that as a "no."

Joe: You gotta be kidding me. That’s deodorant!

Airport security: It’s a roll-on. It’s liquid. It goes.

Birhtwold: I -

Joe: I know, I know. You told me so. Where do we go now?

Airport security: You wait over there.

Joe (thinking of his coffee): Wait? Son of a -

Skald: "I waited patiently for the Lord. He inclined and heard my cry . . ."

Kells: C’mon, let’s -

Airport security: Not him.

Joe: What?

Airport security: For the safety of all of our passengers, you’ve been randomly selected for a more, what’s the word I’m looking for? "Detailed" search.

Joe: Why, because I look like I’m about to face Mecca and -

Airport security: Didn’t you hear me say randomly? Of course, you might find that with your attitude, you’re selected randomly more often than others.

Joe: You can take your randomly and -

Kells: Easy there, tiger. Let’s not get tossed off the flight.

(Joe clamps down his mouth, eyes full of rage; Birhtwold tries unsuccessfully to stifle his laughter)

Kells: We’ll see you on the plane.

Airport security: You boys have a good day.

Kells (as they’re walking away): What kind of search do they do?

Skald: "Moon River!"

(The group erupts in laughter).

(Later, with everyone on the plane)

Joe: Wait ‘til the ACLU hears about this. I’ve got rights!

Birhtwold: You’re right.

Joe: I am?

Birhtwold: Yeah. What we should do, is let one airline operate without all of the security measures. No security checks. Whatever carry-ons you want. You and your ACLU buddies could use that one while the rest of us put up with security.

Joe: Well, when you put it that way . . .

Kells: I wonder what else could go -

Birhtwold, Joe (in unison): Don’t say it!

Kells: - wrong?

Pilot (over loudspeaker): This flight has been grounded due to issues with the hydraulic system. Thank you for flying Air America.

(Mass carping and complaining)

Birhtwold: Well, you get what you pay for.

Kells: Or don’t, as the case may be.

(Curtain falls as they get up and shuffle along in line)

 

(The lads are sprawled out on the bean bags in Joe's apartment. Light from a TV flickers in thebackground.)

Kells: Wow. They finally did it.

Birhtwold: It was only a matter of time.

Joe: I can't believe he lost.

Links: Loser! Loser!

Skald: "Im a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?"

Joe: I mean, he's about as liberal as they come. Without being a screaming idiot
anyway.

Kells: Yeah, but he supported the war.

Links: Warmonger! Warmonger!

Birhtwold: I don't think it's just because he supported the war. He could have done that
and passed it off in a cynical way. But instead, he didn't apologize for it. He
even goes to Iraq, bypasses the MSM, and reports progress. That was his real
sin.

Joe: You think so? I don't know. I don't know what to think. I thought America
supposedly wanted more moderates, less partisans.

Birhtwold: If Liberalman is a moderate, I'm a Chihuahua.

Kells: An illegal one, of course.

Joe: You know what I mean.

Birhtwold: Yeah. First, I'm not so sure America wants more moderates. Second, even if
they do, America wasn't voting. Connecticut was. And besides it's all about the
money.

Skald: "Share it fairly but don’t take a slice of my pie."

Joe: What do you mean, it's about the money? It's always been about the money.

Skald: "Money, I need more money, just a little more money ..."

Birhtwold: It's not how much, it's where it ends up at. Money doesn't flow through the same channels anymore.

Kells: Not since McCain/Feingold.

Birhtwold: Instead of flowing into the Democratic Party coffers, it flows to outside sources, like MoveOn.

Links: Revolution! Revolution!

Kells: Why do they call it MoveOn? They're in the same place they were in 2000. They should rename it MooreOn.

Joe: So you're saying these outsiders are pulling the strings and the politicians are just
puppets?

Birhtwold: And if you don't dance to their tune, you get a knife in the back. Ask Liberalman.

Joe: Got another question for you: Have you been wearing tinfoil hats lately?

Birhtwold: You got another theory?

Joe: What do you think about him running as an independent?

Links: Traitor! Turncoat!

Birhtwold: I'm no fan of his, but I respect his decision. He's a fighter.

Kells: Figures the Dems don't want him to run; they're into cut and run.

Links: Strategic withdrawal! Strategic redeployment!

Joe: I don't see what the big deal is. The voters deserve the chance to decide.

Kells: They're scared their boy, Lamont won't fare well when all the voters get a shot.

Birhtwold: Man, that name's spoiled for me now.

Joe: What name? Lamont? Didn't know you were so attached to it.

Birhtwold: Whenever I heard the name Lamont, rare though that is, I would always think Cranston. Now, I'm going to think of Ned. That's a poor trade-off.

Skald: "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?"

Joe: O.k. I'm with you on that. Still, do you think this is really bad for the Democratic Party?

Birhtwold: If Liberalman is not safe, who is? If Liberalman is painted as a moderate, how far does that shove the party to the left? Will the Republicans slouch leftward to fill the vacuum? It looks pretty bad all the way around.

Kells: Hopefully the Republicans will resist that leftward pull. You can only win for so with the attitude: Vote for us; we're not as bad as they are.

Joe: Well, you're right about that.

(A thud sounds from the door)

Birhtwold: There's the newspaper. G'night, gentlemen.

(Everyone shuffles off)


Notes:
Thanks to BrianR for "Liberalman"
Also, see:  http://www.sitnews.us/BillSteigerwald/080206_steigerwald.html

(The gang lounges in the living room of Joe’s apartment, drinking coffee).

Kells: You see that basketball player got zapped by a taser gun?

Skald: GACK-GACK-GACK!

(Skald shakes his body and falls down)

Links: Racist! Racist!

Joe: Give it a break, Links. I’m thinking next time an officer tells him to stop or he’ll get zapped, he’ll listen.

(Skald gets up and turns on his ipod)

Birhtwold: What’s with these guys? At least Mel apologized.

Kells: Martinez?

Links: Comprehensive! Comprehensive!

Birhtwold: No, Gibson. Martinez has yet to apologize for being a sheep in wolves clothing.

Kells: Don’t you mean-

Birhtwold: No.

Joe: Let’s get off the celebrity thing. I’m about Mel’d out.

Kells: Martinez or Gibson?

Joe: Both. You hear about that restaurant guy that was acquitted of manslaughter in Tampa?

Birhtwold: Storer?

Links: Vigilante! Vigilante!

Joe: That’s the one. Ran his a$$ over with an SUV.

Birhtwold: Well, the dude did rob him.

Kells: Heat of passion. By the way, I didn’t notice anyone calling for-

Links: Car control! Car control!

Kells: Scratch that.

Joe: Yeah, but over fifteen bucks?

Links: Disproportionate! Disproportionate!

Birhtwold: He did have a gun pointed at his face. What would you have done?

Kells: Peed his pants?

Joe: You’re funny, you know that? I don’t know what I would have done, but I don’t

think I would have gone after him for fifteen bucks.

Birhtwold: It was only fifteen because Storer hid the other $2,000. Besides, I don’t think he

was trying to kill him; hence the manslaughter charge.

Links: Angry ride! Someone died!

Joe: He hit him with a SUV. What did he think was going to happen?

Kells: He didn’t think. Heat of passion. He was just trying to get the bad guy.

Birhtwold: One thing’s for sure: nobody has to worry about being robbed by, what’s his

name? Shantavious?

Joe: Well, that’s true.

Kells: Notice how everyone in the immediate area supported Storer?

Birhtwold: Yeah, it’s only people who don’t live or work there that are questioning him.

Links: Vigilante! Manslaughterer!

Birhtwold: Case in point.

Joe: Yeah, I guess that’s one less thing for them to worry about. But, still. Like his Dad said, he got the death penalty for armed robbery without a judge or jury.

Birhtwold: He’s an armed robber. Goes with the territory. If you’re a prizefighter, you gotta expect there’s at least a small chance you’re gonna get KO’d.

Kells: And he wasn’t exactly a prize.

Joe: Yeah, I guess.

Birhtwold: People are tired of crime.

Kells: And of criminals getting off light.

Links: Eye for an eye! Tooth for tooth!

Birhtwold: Links, you’d have it be a toenail for an eye. Talk about disproportionate.

Joe: All I know is that this Storer guy better start carrying.

Birhtwold: I imagine he will. Best thing he could do.

Kells: And get a dog.

Birhtwold: Well, that wouldn’t help at work, but yeah. Dog and a gun and you’re set.

Joe: Alright, Wyatt Earp. I don’t know if I agree with you, but let’s move on. What about the guy who abducted his wife at gunpoint and was chased by police on Dale Mabry?

(The crew gets more coffee, and the discussion fades out).

Inspired by:

1. http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/5845338?FSO1&ATT=HMA

 

1. http://www.tbo.com/news/metro/MGBJAHR0GQE.html

 

1. http://www.tbo.com/news/metro/MGBWKSP0GQE.html

 

(A group of five guys are sitting in a living room, watching The Patriot on a widescreen television)

Joe: Dude, there’s no way one guy could take on that many people. It’s like Rambo de Lafayette.

Skald: "Sunshine won’t you be my mother? Sunshine come and help me sing."

Joe: What? Never mind.

Birhtwold: It’s a movie.

Joe: I know it’s a -

Birhtwold: It’s not supposed to be real.

Kells: Like Mel’s anti-Semitism?

Joe: Seemed real enough to me.

Links: Hypocrite! Hypocrite!

Birhtwold: So did the headway you were making with that chick the other night when you were drunk off you’re a$$.

Kells: Yeah, and the sliding glass door you walked -

Birhtwold: No, that was all too real.

Joe: I wasn’t drunk, and I had her eating out of the palm of my hand. And somebody closed the door when I wasn’t looking.

(Brief silence)

Skald: "My heart is darker than these oceans. My heart is frozen underneath."

(Outburst of laughter by entire group)

Joe: O.K. O.K. Point conceded.

Birhtwold: He shoots, he scores!

Joe: But you gotta admit that he could be an anti-Semite.

Links: Bigot! Bigot!

Kells: He’s against tractor trailers?

Joe: Har. Har.

Birhtwold: I guess I could give you that.

Kells: Only God knows his heart.

Skald: "Oh Lord why did you forsake me. Oh Lord don’t be far away."

Joe: I mean, look at all the articles that have been written on the whole thing.

Kells: A lot of Huffing. Ton of nothing.

Joe: A poet you’re not.

Skald: "Storm clouds gathering beside me. Please Lord don’t look the other way."

Birhtwold: What articles are you talking about? Dowd’s, with half her column taken up by some schmoe’s quote?

Kells: I hope he got paid for his half.

Birhtwold: Or are you talking about Cal "Backstabbing" Thomas? Linda "I didn’t pay her to do housework" Chavez?

Links: Hypocrites! Nazis! Um, I mean Patriots!

Joe: Being a little harsh, aren’t you?

Birhtwold: The man’s already apologized and seems sincere. What does their carping accomplish?

Kells: People on the right don’t want to be tainted by it, so they’d rather criticize him so they don’t look like anti-Semites themselves than stick by him. And the left just wants to get back at him for The Passion of the Christ.

Links: Ack! Ack! Argggghhhh ...

(Links clutches throat and falls to floor)

Birhtwold: You alright over there?

Skald: I’m a crooked soul trying to stay up straight. Shine on me. Let my shadow prove the sunshine."

Joe: I guess you’re right.

(Links repeatedly bangs head against wall)

Joe: But should he have been getting drunk, dancing with chicks, and whatnot until the wee hours?

Birhtwold: Well, there you have it. No argument here. Now, let’s order some more pizza and throw in Braveheart.

Welcome to Exeter (name taken from the Book of Exeter, an anthology of Anlo-Saxon poetry, including a couple of poems by Cynewulf).

I don't know how long I will stick to the play format or if I'll adhere to it solely, as this is a bit of an experiment.  But for now, here's the cast o' characters:

Birhtwold - name taken from one of the warriors in The Battle of Malden

Joe - everyday man

Kells - name taken from the Book of Kells

Links - name is German for left

Skald - name taken from the Scandinavian poets of Viking times

Enjoy!